Motherhood...

...is hard. There. I said it. Everyone will tell you how rewarding it is. And it totally is. But no one will tell you what it's really like. For me, it has been emotional, amazing, frustrating, comical, not to mention extremely messy.

The beginning is the worst. After we left the hospital, I cried every day. Every. Single. Day. The main reasons I cried were because Colin was so small and I was convinced he would never grow. I cried when he got a diaper rash because of the gauze on his circumcision. I also cried when I heard Mark telling his mom how much I was crying. I knew what I was going through was normal but everyone worrying about me made it so much worse. It made me cry more because I thought something was wrong with me.

All this crying happened in the first 3 days we had Colin home. That's a whole lot of tears and worry for 3 days. But the tears and the worry stopped when the frustration set in.

Once Mark went back to work, I felt like I was a single mom. I was taking care of Colin all day by myself. I got a small break in the evening when Mark came home but it was usually only for one feeding and one diaper change. Then I was the only one getting up with him during the night. Mark has and will get up if I ask him but I feel guilty asking him because he has to work all day and I'm the one who can nap if I need it. But I will be honest here... I do get frustrated when Colin wakes for his next feeding and I've only gotten two hours of sleep. But when I take one look at him, I forget all my frustrations. How can I be mad at those chubby little cheeks? All he knows is that he's hungry, which leads me to my next source frustration...nursing.

I never learned how to get Colin to latch on properly. He was so small when he was born which led to lots of problems while in the hospital. Once we got home, I tried only a handful of times to get him to nurse. He would get so frustrated and I hated doing that to him. I had been pumping and supplementing with formula from the very beginning and I got used to that routine. Sure, nursing would have been so much easier but I just didn't know how to do it. I know it is my fault nursing wasn't successful but I always said it wasn't important to me how Colin got the breast milk, just that he was getting it.

Now the issue I'm facing is my milk supply. It's pretty much non-existent now because with Colin not nursing, I never properly got my supply built up. He is eating 5 ounces every 4 hours now and there is no way I can keep up with him. Luckily I have a stash in the freezer that I'm starting to use. And I still pump a few times a day and give him whatever I am able to pump. I'm determined to not give up though. Even if he's getting one ounce of breast milk a day, I still call that a success for us and our situation. It doesn't make my guilt go away though. When I'm feeding Colin a full 5 ounces of formula, I feel incredible guilt. It's like I'm feeding him fast food when I should be giving him organic food. I just keep reminding myself that the time he'll be on formula is short and soon enough, he'll be on table food and then I can really control the quality of food he's getting. I can't wait for that day.

So there you have it. This is my honest take on the first six weeks of my motherhood experience. I'll keep you updated on how the next six weeks go!