Baby blues

No, this post isn't about my son's eye color.

But while we're on that subject, I believe he will have blue eyes but I haven't got the slightest clue where he got them, considering Mark and I both have brown eyes.

This post is actually about something much more serious: Postpartum Depression. It has taken me a while to work up the courage to write this...mostly because I've been trying to self-diagnose and figure out what has been going on with me. I know I don't have PPD because I can get out of bed in the morning and I find pleasure in every day activities - not that those are the only warning signs of depression but they're the most commonly talked about. I believe I have "the baby blues". I did some research and found these symptoms:

Lack of sleep? Check.
No energy? Check.
Food cravings or loss of appetite? Check and check.
Feeling tired, even after sleeping? Check.
Anxiety and excessive worry? Infinity checks.
Confusion? Check.
Great concern over physical changes? Check
Confusion and nervousness? Check.
Lack of confidence? Check.
Sadness? Check.
Feeling overwhelmed? Check.
Over sensitivity? Check.
Feelings hurt easily? Check.
Irritability? Check.
Lack of feeling for the baby? No...more like excessive feeling for the baby.

My biggest hurdle is the feelings of anxiety, worry, guilt and nervousness that I just can't. shake. I worry about Colin 24/7/365 but it's worse when I'm doing something with him where he could potentially get hurt...bath time, sleeping, driving, walking with him in the stroller. I know that's part of being a mother but how much worry is too much? Is it too much when it starts affecting my daily activities?

Because it does.

It started on the drive home from the hospital after he was born. Mark ran a yellow light and I had images run through my mind of getting hit on the passenger side (where his car seat is). I sat there and thought "What if he died? What would I do if the accident happened on the drivers side and I got hurt and couldn't get to him?".

During bath time, I sit there for what feels like an eternity imagining what could happen. What if he drowns? How would I tell Mark? What would I do?

Once I went back to work, I had a whole new list of worries. How will I know if the babysitter mistreats him? How will I know if she ignores him all day? And if I do find out my fears are true, what would I do? How would I handle that?

I have never, ever thought about hurting Colin or myself. It's quite the opposite. I agonize about how I would handle different situations if Colin did get hurt. I know enough about myself to not be surprised by that. I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen and when. But with a child, every day is a surprise and there is absolutely no way to prepare for it. Colin WILL get hurt. 

Whenever I do lose myself in the different scenarios I think up, I tell myself exactly what I would do if that particular event did  happen...then I make a mental note and move on with my day. It's not a bad thing to be prepared for the worst but I can't let the fear of the unknown run my life. I still have to give Colin a bath and drive with him and take him for walks.

So...
Those are my "Baby Blues".  Every day I'm working on turning them in to something positive :-)

PBWL Week 7

I had another "I don't care" week...except it was more of an "I don't have time to care" week.

I woke up late almost every morning and didn't have time to step on the scale. I weigh myself first thing in the morning so since I was so rushed most days, the scale was forgotten.

I really had no idea where my weight was going to be when I weighed in this morning. What I do know is that I ate pizza for dinner 2 nights last week. Being rushed in the morning puts a damper on my whole day. I didn't have time to shower and I had no time to set something out for dinner. Add in Mark having to work late 3 out of 5 days and it all adds up to disaster.

I had 2.5 not-so-good meals (the half dinner is Red Lobster. I had salmon with broccoli but I had 2 cheddar bay biscuits) but I did very well with the rest of my food choices. I also worked out *most* days.

So here it is. I gained...0.6. Not as bad as I was expecting.

I don't really have a goal for next week. Maybe seriously try to workout more? We'll see how it goes.

When cotton and fleece meet...

They produce these...

 Nasty, impossible to remove, ugly to look at "fuzzies". And it happened all over my beloved gray pebbled quilt.

It was completely my fault. I washed the quilt with the fleece blanket. I didn't even think about the outcome until I opened the washer lid and saw the devastation. I threw it in the dryer (without the fleece blanket) and hoped for the best. "The best" apparently was not going to happen. What happened instead was all the "fuzzies" became stuck to the cotton fibers. My first thought was "OhmyGodwhathaveIdone!?". I quickly moved from shock and panic to crisis management.

My first thought was to just flip it over and use the darker side. Again, I didn't think this idea through. After turning the quilt over, I discovered the fuzzies had inhabited BOTH sides of the quilt. Crap.

Enter Idea # 2.

I threw the quilt on the bed and began trying to vacuum the fuzzies off. It didn't work. Those ugly little things were practically glued on! I had another "OhmyGodwhatamIgoingtodo?!" moment which led me to remember a fabric shaver my mom had while I was growing up. The chance that she still has it in the hall closet is pretty good but I'm sure it doesn't work anymore. Normally I would have rushed to the nearest Target to pick one up and take the easy road to redemption. But I took this opportunity as a challenge. I wanted to figure out a way to fix the quilt without spending a dime.

Now let's think. A fabric shaver "shaves" nasty things off fabric. What else shaves and is something every woman has in her bathroom?

I'll give you a minute to mull it over...

Got it yet?

It's a disposable razor, of course!

Moving on.

I grabbed a Lady's Bic and began feverishly "shaving" the quilt and again, hoping for the best. This time, "the best" was happening! As I slowly and gently brushed the razor over the fuzzies, they were dropping like flies. I couldn't believe it was working.



You can't really tell but those little fuzzies are no longer attached to the quilt!

I worked in small areas, shaving a little then vacuuming up the fuzzies. It took a while to do one side, probably about 4 hours, but I got'er done! And the best part, it was FREE!

Actually, the very best part is now I don't look at the quilt in disgust. She's back to her glory :-) 

PBWL Week 6

The phrase that sums up this week is "I Don't Care".

This week I refused to weigh myself daily. I needed a break from the stress. I was starting to beat myself up pretty agressively if I weighed more than the day before...even though I know and understand that weight fluctuates. I hated that I was being so self destructive. I was starting to become someone I didn't recognize or particularly care for so I put a stop to it. Enough was enough. I decided then and there that I was going to starting taking it easy on myself.

I chose to eat pretty much whatever I wanted. That sounds worse than it was. I still counted everything and ate in moderation. I found that not weighing myself every day helped me make better decisions about what I ate.

My exercise routine still remains pretty much non-existant. I was completely exhausted all week so I took the elevator at work and didn't walk on every break. I am upset with myself about my lack of exercise. Working out will help with my stress level, help  me sleep better and help my weight loss efforts. I have to learn to put aside my "mommy guilt" and take 30 minutes to do a quick workout every day. I have to remind myself that during that 30 minutes, my mood and attitude will improve and it will give Mark some quality time with Colin. It's really a win-win for everyone.

To go along with my "I Don't Care" week, I decided not to weigh myself this morning. Well, I did weigh myself but I'm not disclosing the gain or loss. Sorry but I just can't do it. I'm afraid I'll start beating myself up again if I disclose it to the world.

Today marks the beginning of a new week. I'm running out of time to get my ass in gear. It's time to get serious and start taking this serious. Here we go!

Post-baby Weight Loss - Week 5. Time to gain some perspective

Losing weight this time around has been so much more of a struggle than it was on WW Round 1. I feel like my body is hysterically laughing at me while saying "Try all you want, I ain't budging". It was time for me to gain some perspective. I asked myself three questions:

1. Are you healthy? Yes.
2. Are you happy with your reflection in the mirror? Yes.
3. Are you happy with the number on the scale? No.

Question number 3 has always been what is important to me. I've prided myself on being that 124 pound girl (for the record, my goal weight is not 124). And for what (or for who)? I have a husband who loves me no matter how much I weigh so who exactly am I trying to impress? It's not like I introduce myself to people by saying "Hi, I'm Brea. I weigh 124 pounds". WHO CARES?!

My body is different and I have to shift my mindset now. I have to get away from focusing so hard on the number on the scale and start focusing on how I feel about myself. That's what is important, right? I may never get back to 124 pounds and I have to accept that. It's going to be hard to accept but I'm trying.

So here it is. I lost 0.6 pounds. Whew!

Now for the real honesty.

I wrote this post yesterday fully convinced that I had gained weight. I had a whole schpeal about how I ate too much candy, had pizza for dinner and doughnuts for dessert. But I tracked everything I ate and I didn't understand how I gained weight. Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I actually lost a little bit.

I know I can improve and make better choices. Hopefully I can get my emotional eating under control.

My goal for week 6 is to limit the amount of soda I drink and increase my water intake.

Trying something new

With our new found budget, I've been searching for new recipes that won't break the bank. The recipes also have to be extremely simple because I have serious recipe ADD. If it has more than seven ingredients or steps my mind goes blank and pretty much shuts down. It's sad.

While searching for new recipes, I stumbled upon Meatless Monday's. I was intrigued. I'm not really a huge meat-eater so I figured I could live without it for one day a week. But my husband is a man after all and he loves him some meat! I figured asking him to try a vegetarian meal one day a week would be kin to me on my knees begging him to try something new. Not even close! He hardly hesitated to say yes!

So I set out on my mission to find a recipe. Because it's Meatless Monday, my criteria for a recipe was pretty tough. Monday's are usually super busy for the Testa family. One of us usually has to work late which means the other one is hurrying to get Colin from daycare and then has to go back to work to pickup the other. Sometimes we don't get home until after 6 and once we are home, we're in a frenzy to get the animals fed, Colin fed, ourselves fed, give Colin a bath and get to bed at a decent time. This means dinner has to be E-A-S-Y and quick.

For our first Meatless Monday, we will be trying Bean Burgers with Chipotle Spread (but without the chiptole spread). We'll be do the usual burger fixin's and have a salad on the side.

Going meatless isn't just about saving some money. I also like the fact that we'll be reducing our carbon footprint and maybe help save an animals life. It's a win for everyone!

Post-baby Weight Loss - Week 4

This week was hard. HARD. I had a lot of bad habits I had to break...quickly. Long story short, my paychecks have been messed up pretty much since Colin was born. It wasn't a big issue at first but then all of the medical bills came at once and they're all due at. the. same. time. Perfect timing. So all of a sudden we are in a whirlwind of debt and have to make changes FAST. That means no more eating out, no new clothes or accessories - basically no more "fun" spending.

I am NOT accustomed to this.

I like having the luxury of going to Starbucks or getting a new pair of jeans whenever I want but no more. Honestly, not eating out has been the hardest habit to break. Mark and I are notorious for setting something out for dinner then deciding last minute to go out. We also eat out at least once every weekend. But for the next few months, we'll be staying in for meals (or hoping for dinner invites from our family and friends!).

Now that I have one week of no take-out food under my belt, my jeans are a little looser. Shocking, I know! The really shocking part is that is all the motivation I need to stick with our new budget.

So here it is...I am down 1.6 pounds!

I stuck to my daily allowance of Points, only going over a few times. I didn't really workout except for taking the stairs at work and walking on my breaks. I was pleasantly surprised to see such a big weight loss. Hopefully I can keep the momentum going!