Oh, the emotions!

The emotions I have endured since having Colin have been a roller coaster. I have such such an immense love for him that it overwhelms me on the regular. Exhibit A: This past week.

Monday
 The hubs was offered (and accepted!) a new position. While waiting for the offer to come his way, we daydreamed about what we would do with all the extra money that was a sure thing with his new title. My wish list, in order of importance, was:

      1. Become a stay at home mom.

      2. A better daycare for Colin. Preferably a center where he will be with kids his own age.

      3. A new house in a better school district.

I was warned repeatedly to not get my hopes up for my number one  wish. But come on, how could I not?! Then the offer came and WHAM! All my hopes and dreams were viciously squashed.

Mark came to my desk and wrote me a note. "You cannot stay home".

Shit. "Why?"

"The salary is not what we were expecting". I was barely able to hold back my tears. But I had to hold it together. I had to go in to "Supportive Wife" mode and tell Mark how proud I am of him. How happy and excited I am for him. And I am. I so, so, so am. He deserves this success.

I started asking how much more it is per week, what we can do with the extra money, etc, etc.

"It's not even enough to put Colin in a better daycare".

There goes wish # 2.

Tuesday
I was able to keep my emotions in check and stay in my "Supportive Wife" mode. I had a half day at work so being with Colin made it easy to not think about it much.

Wednesday
All hell broke loose. I completely lost my shit. I cried at work...twice. I picked stupid fights with Mark. And this was all before noon.

I tried to talk to Mark about how it totally effing sucks that we can't really do anything with his new salary and nothing ever works out for us.

Pity party. Table for one.

Of course, he got pissed and shot back that he would get a part time job and then I could work part time and stay home with Colin. That's not what I want at all.

I went to bed upset and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday
I woke up in an even worse mood. I could barely even speak to Mark without choking up. I cried at work AGAIN. I picked stupid fights...again. It got so bad he may have told me to eff off. Ouch.

Mark kept asking me what I was so mad about. I tried to explain to him that I wasn't mad. I was disappointed. I wanted to make a better future for our son so badly and now it won't happen. Finally, he reacted in a positive way.

He sat me down and explained that while the salary is not what we had hoped for, it is more and we can make a better future for our family.

"You get wish number 3. Doesn't that count?"

It does. In the grand scheme of things, it counts more than wish number one and number two. Why did it take me so long to effing realize that?!

I'm finally able to see that our family is about to have a new beginning.

We're fixing some small things on our house so we can put it on the market this fall and move to a better neighborhood with a better school district.

I'm so relieved Mark was finally able to pull me out of my emotional haze and force me to re-focus on what's important.

I get so involved with these new, intense emotions that it makes me feel like I have blinders on.

And it scares the hell out of me.