Baby blues

No, this post isn't about my son's eye color.

But while we're on that subject, I believe he will have blue eyes but I haven't got the slightest clue where he got them, considering Mark and I both have brown eyes.

This post is actually about something much more serious: Postpartum Depression. It has taken me a while to work up the courage to write this...mostly because I've been trying to self-diagnose and figure out what has been going on with me. I know I don't have PPD because I can get out of bed in the morning and I find pleasure in every day activities - not that those are the only warning signs of depression but they're the most commonly talked about. I believe I have "the baby blues". I did some research and found these symptoms:

Lack of sleep? Check.
No energy? Check.
Food cravings or loss of appetite? Check and check.
Feeling tired, even after sleeping? Check.
Anxiety and excessive worry? Infinity checks.
Confusion? Check.
Great concern over physical changes? Check
Confusion and nervousness? Check.
Lack of confidence? Check.
Sadness? Check.
Feeling overwhelmed? Check.
Over sensitivity? Check.
Feelings hurt easily? Check.
Irritability? Check.
Lack of feeling for the baby? No...more like excessive feeling for the baby.

My biggest hurdle is the feelings of anxiety, worry, guilt and nervousness that I just can't. shake. I worry about Colin 24/7/365 but it's worse when I'm doing something with him where he could potentially get hurt...bath time, sleeping, driving, walking with him in the stroller. I know that's part of being a mother but how much worry is too much? Is it too much when it starts affecting my daily activities?

Because it does.

It started on the drive home from the hospital after he was born. Mark ran a yellow light and I had images run through my mind of getting hit on the passenger side (where his car seat is). I sat there and thought "What if he died? What would I do if the accident happened on the drivers side and I got hurt and couldn't get to him?".

During bath time, I sit there for what feels like an eternity imagining what could happen. What if he drowns? How would I tell Mark? What would I do?

Once I went back to work, I had a whole new list of worries. How will I know if the babysitter mistreats him? How will I know if she ignores him all day? And if I do find out my fears are true, what would I do? How would I handle that?

I have never, ever thought about hurting Colin or myself. It's quite the opposite. I agonize about how I would handle different situations if Colin did get hurt. I know enough about myself to not be surprised by that. I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen and when. But with a child, every day is a surprise and there is absolutely no way to prepare for it. Colin WILL get hurt. 

Whenever I do lose myself in the different scenarios I think up, I tell myself exactly what I would do if that particular event did  happen...then I make a mental note and move on with my day. It's not a bad thing to be prepared for the worst but I can't let the fear of the unknown run my life. I still have to give Colin a bath and drive with him and take him for walks.

So...
Those are my "Baby Blues".  Every day I'm working on turning them in to something positive :-)